Future to Fight For

Post now, but will become tab soon :) 

So here is the post I talked about. Sharing the future this is all for. The life I desire and deserve. The one coming together piece by piece all by God and His Grace. So here we go.

But bottom line, writing this out it comes down to this. I don’t want to live my life centered around food and exercise. When I will fit meals in because I have to cook them myself. What foods will be at places I go and how I will get around eating them. Canceling plans to go to gym. Not going anywhere that might involve food because don’t want to be akward one not eating. All things that stole my undergrad years from me

I want to be happy, vibrant, living. Going out when I want, where I want, with who I want. Free from the chains of food and exercise obsession. Free from having to play it safe and live within ED’s confines. I want to live on the edge. Yes…I might get hurt .Yes..I will be scared. But I will be free and will leave grad school with more memories than regrets. I loved undergrad, don’t get me wrong, but because of ED I missed out on so much. That’s why every day I am fighting….because I want my future to be different and my future starts now.

Right around the Corner (aka Grad school) Dreams

• Roomies: I want to be able to interact with my roomates. To hang out, have movie nights, have fun living with each other. To cook together, laugh together, to become friends. This is going to require getting normal with food, okay with eating with people, and not having food scale with me constantly. I missed out on living with people due to my job in undergrad and now I have the chance and want it to be fun. Like my old roomie had with the girls she eventually moved in with. They were so close and like a little family. They really are the inspiration for what I want with my roomies

• Socializing: I also know there is a chance I won’t get along with roomies, but I still want to use my first ever apartment to be able to bring friends over. To hang out with people I meet. Heck, to go out to coffee if they want or to go out to eat or to go over to their house without having to worry if there will be food I don’t want to eat. I just want to live life and hang out and be normal without life being centered around food.I see myself going out to coffee, studying together over lunch, going downtown after long day of classes. Going on walks. Just living life with others. Not thinking of meals or snacks or workouts. But concentrating on relationship and fun. Exploring and learning. Living and loving.

• Assistantship: so I have my lovely assistantship and I think about how our boss might want to take us out to lunch. Or a bunch of us may want to go out to lunch. Or who knows if there would be formal events we have to go to. I don’t want to miss out on bonding with my boss and other important people in the department because there is food. I won’t let food hold me back anymore. But that means getting over the fear of eating out and being without food scale.

• Dating: I don’t talk about this much but  really really want to date again. ED kind of became my boyfriend and I didn’t date at all in college. Never went out to ever be able to meet anyone and even if I had….was so wrapped up in work and working out would have never been able to invest time into dates. And dates…usually involve food and that just couldn’t have happened.

So what do I see? I see my laughing with friends over drinks at a coffeeshop. Having study picnics on the lawn. Watching movies with my roomies while tossing popcorn at each other. Going to social events and tailgating during football season. Going out to lunch with other grad assistants (only three of us I think). And dating. Going out to dinner with a guy who makes me feel like the center of the world. Cooking together, laughing together, and maybe, just maybe, falling in love. 

When my Wishes are granted (my distant dreams…the ones I wish upon a star for)

This is just purely simple. You all know my dream for my job, but I am not sure how it will look and it's not center of my dream because I don't want it to be the center of my life. For me my dream is centered around dreams of a little girl. A little girl not held back by insecurity or fear. A little girl in love with a man she has never met. 

. He isn’t clean shaven all the time and sometimes let’s his gruffy beard grow. He loves his family, God, and the outdoors. 

We go to church together and on way home go to local shops/farmers markets for our groceries. And then we return to our home. Our nice, quaint, simplistic log house with a big front yard and scenic view. When we approach the house in our hybrid jeep our two dogs (shepherds please) come running to greet us. Faith, the younger one, comes carrying a stick to play fetch with. We smile and laugh and my hubby puts his arm around me and when I look into his eyes he comes in and kisses me. We enjoy cooking together in the evenings and in the afternoon go for walks or bike rides, something outdoors.

And during the weekends and even the week we get up early to watch the sunrise and do bible study together with our coffee. If we need to sleep in or work gets hectic we do this at night watching the sun set. Talking about our day with Faith and our other dog (hubby will name) running in the front yard. Our life is simple. We don’t spend a lot of time going out and being in hustle and bustle of the city, but prefer to be home with each other. Having movie nights, relaxing by the fire place, and enjoying peace. We do hang out with friends though and have game nights and cookouts at our house.

It’s weird I don’t picture a gym or anything like that. I just picture us being with each other but maybe we will go to a gym, I don’t know. I just picture our life as simple and quaint. Especially the weekends. Just relaxing without worry and stress of work.  I know it might sound lonely or boring just being home with each other….but to me that’s perfection. To be so in love with each other, your life is full just being together. It’s my dream and it may be silly. But for me…it’s what I will keep wishing for. Praying for. Fighting for. 

This Weeks Goals and the Future

As I wrote a few days ago, I kind of lost my vision for what I have been fighting for. Got so focused on my career goals I made that my only goal and dream.Well, ED recovery is hard and its scary so whatever motivation/dream you are fighting for it has to be big enough to overcome those fears. And my career goals are big enough for that in how much I want them, but my doubt in them becoming a reality and how far in future they are….it makes it not the best motivation for ED recovery, because ED says never gonna happen anyways. But that wasn’t even my motivation to start with when began this stint of recovery…it was for a life, normalcy, love. Living the life I deserve. And now that pieces of my future are falling into place, this is even moreso what I am fighting for. And today it really helped me push through some big challenges….so figure be best to write it out…so I can look back on it when I don’t want to fight. Gonna do separate post of that for tomorrow so can take time on it.

First off though here are my challenges for this week and re-cap from last

Behaviors

Last week I went to only 3 days a week of exercise and guys…I didn’t gain weight or balloon. In fact…I enjoyed exercise more and feel so much happier and more free. It was worth the fear and tears.

This week: increasing amount of prunes I eat in morning to more appropriate amount, thanks to my safe yogurt being discontinued doing the 80-cal dairy twice a day, AND not going to spill my b-fast as I have ALWAYS done (even in treatment would hide some and leave behind…not sure why b-fast is where I do this)

Fear foods

Last week: ended up facing all the ones my parents chose except for beans due to GI issues, but did grits instead. Also did additional ones as you all read here.

This week: mom chose fat free tortilla, veggie burger, peppers, and grapes so an easier week.

Just a glimpse into how this future stuff helped me today. I kind of got thrust into the behavior changes and really wanted to back out of them. Seemed too overwhelming but here is what I thought.

•  Want to eat more prunes because don’t want to weigh them forever. In future want to be normal and just grab prunes out of container. Especially since living with people next year.
• 80-cal yogurts: easier to find and less expensive which will need money for grad school and don’t want to spend my time having to drive to only certain stores that have my food. Want my roomies to be able to grab me some yogurts when they are at store without having to worry if they grab the right ones
• Not spill b-fast: this just isn’t normal at all and don’t want to get weird looks from my roomie. Plus what if someone wants to go out for b-fast or have to eat it in class or at work. Spilling would make a mess and get weird looks.

So this is more specific than my post will be tomorrow because I can’t go through every tiny thing of recovery and how it fits into future, but just by keeping the “normal” and the life I want in mind…any time I have a new challenge or new food and I am scared to face it I can picture how it helps me in my future life I want. Like this weeks veggie burger and peppers and grapes…sounds like food at a cookout to me and cookouts will most likely happen in TN and I want to be able to eat at them. Or to host a cookout when I am married. It’s just “normal.” Or well my normal. The one I dream of. Which you all will get a glimpse of tomorrow.

WIAW: FREEDOM!!!

Wow! God woke me up again…quite literally. I realized I have gotten almost complacent with how I am in recovery. I have become a sleeping child when I am called to be a child of the day and of light. All because I lost my vision of the future. My motivation to recover. No…not just my dream career which is years away and still not completely in my control and thus not very motivating, but just the “normal” life I want…which is somewhat in my control. Life of going out with friends, dating, living…not thinking of food and exercise or having to limit myself because no “safe” foods. Will write more on this tomorrow, because it’s Wednesday and this is WIAW#1 of Summer Recovery Foods!!!!! So let the show begin!

This week my parents chose: granola, graham crackers, brown rice, and beans for me to face. So far I have done two of those, but have done TONS of freedom foods…so here are some eats from the past week...from Wed to Wed. 

First off, I faced Breyer’s Fat Free Fro-Yo Vanilla Flavor. Used to eat this all the time, then somewhere along the way I got scared of it because had sugar or something. Well…the LOVE is back! In fact, in past week I have had it twice. Paired with Gerber Banana Puffs (these are delicious don’t judge), and sugar-free syrup!

I also corrected a behavior I was using. Something I did to make sandwich thins more bearable…was counting them as 2 starches when they are only one. NO MORE! Last Wed I changed this and had sandwich thin with correct portion of pretzel and have been doing them as one starch ever since, because that is more normal…and is the truth.

Back on the fro-yo train I faced three fear foods in one with this one: Arctic Zero with Frosted Mini Wheats and Diet Cocoa! AMAZING people. Freaking AMAZING! Honestly though…I like the “real” fro-yo better.

Continuing on in the week I again corrected something I was doing when I was counting these fiber tortillas I have as 2 starches when, again, they are one. ED likes to get me to make things easier by overcounting, but it’s just a lie. So my other two starches….KETTLE CORN! Yep…I faced it. I used to eat Smart Pop all the time, but then got scared of it. No more! This was awesome!

Come Sunday, I wasted no time in eating freedom foods once they were chosen on Sat. Come Sun, I went ahead and faced brown rice. Even though Sun was really bad and hard day and didn’t feel well. I faced it. It was okay…but I don’t know. Rice just isn’t something I like so much. Even with my favorite tuna on corn tortillas.

Luckily the next day the corn tortillas were paired with something delicious. Purple potatoes!!! Had some I needed to eat, but I never allow myself potatoes at lunch as a side because I do them every day at dinner (for medical reasons). But I did it! I had my potatoes twice. Purple potatoes with lunch and my baked potato at dinner. And it was awesome and freeing. Breaking ED rules…well…it rules!

And that night…with my SECOND POTATO I also faced cantaloupe (which wasn’t a fan of) and mahi-mahi (again not that big a fan but know I liked it at school so will try again). Woot Woot!

And then tonight, I faced my next freedom food parents selected….GRAHAM CRACKERS! ED really tried to get me to reduce the serving size. To do two graham squares instead of three. And at first I did. Had my PB and banana on cinnamon grahams…but then realized…just be facing the fear and ED still be winning. So at dinner added the third square to my peaches. It was nice..and scary..but don’t think become regular.

That’s it for now….thanks again Jenn for hosting. 

Fearing Your Dreams

Today I just got overwhelmed with grad school fears. I don’t know if it was because I didn’t weigh so my mind was freed up to wander. Or if it was because b-fast got delayed and so my blood sugar was low and anxiety was high, but I went into a full blown panic. I started wondering if this whole grad school thing was really what I was supposed to do. I mean I am seeing my passion as more on the dietitian than therapy side…mostly because my dietitian was the most influential in my recovery. And so I started getting scared. What if I go to grad school, spend this money, and don’t even want to be a therapist? I mean the plan is to go get my RD right after, but what if by putting it off two years I somehow risk getting into the RD program and the 10-year cut-off for the pre-req credits runs out and I never get in and am stuck doing only therapy? That’s where my mind went. I started to panic.

Luckily, I have amazing friends and family and had an amazing talk with stepmom and prayer with God and talk with my dad (well you know…kind of..a heavenly talk I guess…just thought about what he would say). I realized these are similar fears to the ones I had at start of every semester. That I would fail my classes or lose my job or so on and so forth. I am just scared to fail or to find out my plan won’t work out. I want control, and some things I just can’t control. I just have to do them.

Yes…there is a risk I go to the MSW program and don’t like it, but I can just leave. And yes..there is a risk that with the 8 remaining years after I graduate from the MSW program I wouldn’t get into the RD program..but if that’s the case then I probably shouldn’t be an RD. But in my heart, I know this is my passion, my dream. To be licensed for both therapy and nutrition counseling. To be able to provide proper support to people with EDs in the same place I am now. The ones who have been told they will never recover, are too sick, or just need to go back to treatment, but who are determined to fight. And I think the best path for that is by providing both dietitian and therapeutic services.

My last dietitian was the best one I have ever had and better than any therapist because she combined both things into our sessions. Luckily we had the time for this, but it was amazing. It wasn’t just about food, but also how I would cope with changes, my emotions, and my motivations. They were amazing sessions and looking back I see it’s because we drew on my years in therapy and my nutritionist therapeutic training. It was therapy and nutrition in one…and I want to be able to provide that.

I just get scared, because I don’t get much out of therapy anymore, but I also realize that’s because I have been in therapy for years…my clients may not have that luxury. I’m just scared, because I want to make a difference. I want to change the way people with chronic eating disorders are treated…and to me this is the solution…or part of it. But I’m scared. An MSW and RD isn’t something you see. And throw into it that I want to bring animals into it too…and I don’t know..I wonder if I am crazy. But I am also proof the way things are done now isn’t working. I just…I want this dream so bad and I think that is why I am so scared.

But I don’t have another option. I mean I do. I could tell UTK I am not coming, deny the assistantship, live at home and finish the two pre-req classes spending the same amt of money as I would going to UTK and then apply to the dietetics program and hope I get in. That is a possibility. I would only lose one year of the ten then. And I could go to MSW school after I finish the dietitian program…if I ever get in. But in doing that…well I am not very excited. Because I lose the amazing opportunities I have in front of me with an assistantship and getting a graduate degree. Also, staying out of school a year when I have these offers doesn’t make me as marketable, especially with a Bachelor’s in a non-nutrition field, to the program. But an MSW, experience as a graduate assistant, and experience in a people-helping field does. So I am going to go with my dream. Take my fears with me and trust. God has opened so many doors….now it’s up to me to step through.  

Double Standards for Myself and NEED HELP

This is kind of two posts in one because I wanted to reflect true recovery. The first is during a time when I was really inspired and positive. It is one meant more to inspire. And the second...where it says UPDATE...that is when I started to question myself, and how I returned my mind to peace and calm. So read what you want :) 

So today I realized I have double standards. Serious ones. No not for other people. But for myself. I have double standards for myself vs ED. ED I easily trust and if one tiny microscopic shred of evidence comes up that his lies might be truth, I throw myself into believing them. I automatically trust ED all over again. On the other hand…when it comes to trusting myself, my body, even God….I require time and time again to get it right. To get an outcome different from what ED says. One time just doesn’t cut it. And I’m realizing that isn’t quite working out for me.

Yesterday I had a very scary official weigh-in and honestly was ready to throw in the towel. It was just one day of a high fluctuation and it made my world come crashing down. I didn’t expect it and couldn’t think of any reason other than less exercise that it happened. Forget the fact I had eaten really late and drank 2L of liquids for some new stomach meds right before bed. Nope..that couldn’t be it at all. I was ready because of one flux to throw everything in. Luckily I have amazing support who got me through the day and told me to wait till today, because today mark real week with less exercise. So I pushed through, ate full meal plan, and even made them a promise.

Now this promised didn’t come from a recovery place. Well….it slightly did. But mostly it came from a “but this is never gonna happen so it doesn’t matter and I am gonna be proven right and so is ED and I am going to have to decrease my meal plan” kind of place. I promised if my weight fluxed back down to a certain number today I would move away from daily weighing and not weigh Tues. But I knew that would never happen because I was so convinced I was gaining.

Well…guess what. It happened! And here is where I made my realization about my double standards. When I saw the weight I started making all kinds of excuses. Not as to why the weight went back down, because I couldn’t explain that. But as to why I couldn’t hold up my end of the bargain. It went like this.

• Well see I can’t not weigh tom because its Monday and so its not an official goal changing weigh in day (these are now Wed and Sat) so really I can’t add a new goal.
• You see I am eating a bagel again today whereas yesterday I did a bagel equivalent. So how will I know bagels are okay if I don’t weigh tomorrow?
• I am eating potatoes twice today. That’s a big fear. How will I show myself it’s okay if don’t weigh tomorrow? Same goes for scarier PB I am doing today.
• How will I know today isn’t the flux if I don’t weigh tomorrow?
• I will just wait till Wed and then will skip Thurs based off that weigh in.

And so on and so on. I started laughing at this insanity. It takes one flux, on mis-step and I am ready to condemn my body and agree to an ED change like lowering meal plan. Because of one little thing. But if I make a recovery based commitment, and things line up for it, I can make a list of excuses as to why I shouldn’t do it. Even though this list of excuses is so much more far-fetching and hard to believe than the excuses (more like reasons) why my wt could have shot up for one day. Yet I more easily cling onto these excuses and make my body prove itself trustworthy time and time again. With ED…I will believe his lies again after one small change. It’s like I am at war with myself and never want myself to win.

But not today. I am throwing out the excuses and I won’t weigh tomorrow. Yes…I could wait. I could wait and say I would do it later this week. But I have played that game and what happens is my wt will flux up again or something will happen or more excuses will come and then I won’t end up doing it that day and will say no…I will do it Sat. And then Sat comes and I make an excuse and so on and so on. Well…things lined up. My body and God held up their end of the deal…now the ball is in my court. It’s my turn to hold up my end of the deal or to (as I have so many times in the past), throw the ball off the court and say it doesn’t count just yet. To make God, my body, and myself prove themselves to me multiple times instead of just one time like I let ED do. It’s time for an even playing field. One where I can actually win.

 UPDATE

So I was fine. Feeling good about not weighing tomorrow because hadn’t really done that many challenges today anyway so what was point of weighing tomorrow? Well…then I got cravings. Scary cravings. And ended up facing mahi-mahi and cantaloupe and a large bagel and more spread. And the freak out began. Still not weighing tomorrow, but felt I owed it to the original purpose of this blog (to show true recovery) to share the thoughts going through my head.

You see I am scared to do these fear foods and then not weigh till Wed because scared it won’t reflect whether they are safe or not. I know it’s silly, but I try fear foods and let weight determine if they are safe depending on if I “balloon” or not…though really it’s never happened. And when it did it was because of something else (ie constipation, water, etc) not the food. But still…idk…weighing is like the payoff. I get excited to weigh on days after do big challenge because get excited to learn the truth (because deep down I know no one food can make you gain).

But ED got a hold of my mind tonight and told me now I had to weigh tomorrow. That if I wait till Wed I will never know how these foods today affected me. Will never know if they are safe. That it would be a waste. That somehow my weight Wed would only reflect Tues intake. That if foods today make me gain, Tues will somehow undo it, and Wed any of the weight would be gone.

But then I have the logical side of me that says that makes no sense. That the only wt changes that happen that fast are flux. That actually weighing Wed is better and looking at wt trend for week is better because takes the issue of flux out. That if any food caused real weight gain, it wouldn’t just go away. I don’t know. So part of me is also writing this asking for answers from my “normies”. Would Wed still reflect the food I ate today and whether it causes weight gain?

I mean I know tons of people who weigh weekly and most nutritionist go by weekly weigh-ins….so if weekly is accurate and reflects 7 days of intake…then Wed would still reflect Mon…right? I don’t know..I am just scared and know it’s ED trying to get me to either always eat safe unless I am weighing, or to weigh tomorrow. And I won’t weigh tomorrow.

Plus..I know if I did weigh tomorrow and didn’t gain ED say just because of spin and would have to wait till Wed to really know. Which is even more confusing. Because then that means Wed does reflect today…ED is so confusing. So ED is saying no Wed isn’t accurate so have to weigh tom. But if I weigh tom it isn’t accurate and have to wait till Wed. So either way I don’t win. Guess only way to win is to wait till Wed…because that help me in recovery. But still need to know if it’s okay to base my judgment on today based on Wed?

Hope in Him

Today’s bible study was amazing again and centered around grief. How grief is allowed and needed and a normal part of life, but if we lose our hope of Christ can lead to hopelessness. I came to realize this doesn’t just have to do with hopelessness from grief, but hopelessness in general.

You see, grief happens because we love someone so much and long for them. But in one hand we hold grief, and in the other, as believers, hold onto hope because we know our loved ones are with Christ and we will see them again. We know, as Paul writes, they are not dead but have just “fallen asleep” and when they awoke were in Heaven. This is the hope that pulled me through the grief of my dad. I put my hope in Christ. I didn’t try and “solve” the situation myself, because I knew I couldn’t raise my dad from the dead. But I knew God could. He already had with His own son.

But sometimes, in recovery, I slip into hopelessness. That feeling that nothing will turn out, there is no reason to fight, and I should just give up. It’s the darkest of darks and a feeling I most fear because I lose all joy, all hope, all dreams, all aspirations. And Beth, today, hit me square in the face as to the source of my hopelessness. I begin to try and rely completely on myself, not on the Lord. I try and take recovery in my own hands, be independent, and take God out of it. Well…that is a hopeless point. Relying on myself. Depending on my own strength to recover, because my own strength got me right where I am. BUT, thank God for God, there is hope. We have never been called to rely on our own strength or do things on our own. No! We are called to put our hope, our faith, our strength in God..the most perfect strength, peace, hope, and joy. Now there. There there is hope.

And we need not be ashamed of our inability. We aren’t the first who aren’t strong enough for this fallen world. There are centuries of people who failed long before us. If humans were capable of being strong enough God would have never put His son and Himself through the horror of Christ beating and crucifixion. He would have never done that to His ONE AND ONLY SON who had been there in Heaven with Him since the beginning of time. But He did because He knew we couldn’t do this on our own and wanted to show just how much He loves us and wants us to rely on Him. To put our hope in Him.

And the enemy loves to make us feel we need to rely on ourselves because he knows we will realize we are inadequate or get overwhelmed and then we will give up. ED does it to me all the time. He did it to me today even, but I reached out to others and they reminded me to trust. And that reminded me I was trying to do it all my own. So I ended up pushing through and trusting God. And my family and I ended up choosing fear foods for week: black beans, rice, graham crackers, and broccoli. Am I scared yes. Does ED try and tell me these are too easy and I will never recover if I am scared of things like this? Yes. But you know what…I don’t have to worry about my fears because God will be my Peace and Strength. And I don’t have to make myself recover, because God will be my healer. I just need to be obedient and do my part and He will do the rest.

Praise God for God. Beth’s final words brought such healing to me and I want to share them with you too.

“Life can be painful here. Loss is inevitable. So let us grieve when we must, but God forbid that we grieve as the hopeless do. In His hands, we find solace. In His heart, we find rest. In His time, we find meaning. In His eyes, we are blessed. In His strength, we’re made mighty. In His light, morning breaks. In His Word, He has promised. In His coming, sleepers wake.”

Beauty of Battle Scars...HUGE recovery change

Well tonight had HUGE fight with mom and it was best thing that ever happened. Confused? Let me explain.

The argument was about my ED, mainly the amount of exercise I have been doing. My mom has been on me about it being too much and honestly…I have been questioning it myself, because I have been finding it becoming obsessive and hard to manage. I was getting stressed out about how I would maintain it in grad school, and ED was telling me I had to if I wanted to eat. That the only reason I could eat was because of the exercise I am doing.

Well when my mom questioned me tonight my own fears and everything came to the surface and a yelling match insued. I was trying to get her to understand I don’t do too much using logic that ED had used to trick me. To manipulate me. But she wasn’t having any of it. Eventually everyone stormed off to their own corners and nothing was solved. But I was left feeling like I had just ruined my relationship with my mom and a potential at a huge step in recovery. In bringing down my amount of exercise. Something I wanted, but was too scared to do.

So I did what I knew was right. I swallowed my pride (after two hours of fighting), went upstairs, and told her I was ready to change and asked her what amount she thought was okay. She said just three days of spin a week. And I tried to rationalize with her. Let me explain how HUGE of a change that would be. Currently I am doing 3 days spin, 1 day bodyworks, 1 day cardio, and two other 20 minute strength videos a week. So I would be loosing 2 hours in gym and two sessions of strength. This terrified me and led to another argument. And I stormed off.

Then God spoke to me. He said. What is more important? Exercise or your mom. She is the one paying for your gym membership and she is your mom who you need to respect and love. I realized enough was enough. Only way to respect my mom and not lose gym membership was to agree to 3 days spin per week. I really wanted 1 day of strength, but mom wouldn’t budge. She said if I proved I could be trusted to just do 3 days then maybe in July we add back strength. I am terrified, but I agreed.

And you know what? I feel relief and I feel happy. This seems a lot more doable. I am scared my intake will have to decrease, but I am excited to. ED tells me I can only eat what I am eating now because of the amount of exercise, but part of me wonders if that’s just another lie of his? I mean at one point I was just spinning three days a week….same intake…and maintaining…so…maybe extra exercise didn’t mean a thing. I am not sure. 

All I know is this. There is only one way to find out if exercise is only reason I need this intake. And that’s to do it...to cut down exercise. At first I was pissed she wouldn’t give me the one day strength, but now I am happy. Because now I can work up to more exercise instead of down. And this gives me time to trust my body. To see I do need this food just to have my body function. I am terrified ED will be right and I will need a lot less, but I am willing to take the risk and find out. Because what if he is wrong and I am freed from all that exercise and can just do 3-4 days a week. What seems more normal. Idk…my mind already feels more free. I think the potential to have to lower intake is worth it. Worth the peace. And so worth more time with my mom.

Here’s to discovering the truth…whatever that may be. Sometimes it takes a battle and something bad happening to wake us up. Sometimes feelings have to be hurt. But in the end, I think the battle scars from this argument. The fear I feel and the tears shed…I think they may just become beautiful reminders of a day I took a huge step in recovery. 

WIAW: First Freedom Food of Future

Yes...I have faced freedom foods during this summer, but this was kick off of my move I talked about yesterday to face more this summer and make strides in recover. Thanks Jenn for hosting!

Well the freedom food list is posted and you can  click on link above. I will try and update it every week. But figured I would go ahead and share the first one I faced! Since I am running out of bagels from dining hall have to get calorie equivalents…so last night..I decided to do ¼ cup PB2 on thick bread (Arnold Whole Wheat Honey Wheat) and a fruit roll up. HUGE FEAR FOOD! And yes, I ate more than just this yesterday, but figure this is what was worth sharing (and what had time for lol).

First up, had to prep and toast the bread and measure out the PB2 (no SKIMPING), plus get my roll up.

Then the sandwich formed.

And then it was ready to be eaten! Side of lactose-free vanilla milk of course!

Didn’t care for roll up, but sandwich was awesome. And my dad used to LOVE this kind of bread. Know he would be proud of me. Miss ya Papa. 

I know I said I would post pics of what I hope to eat....but just didn't have time and wasn't sure be that helpful. Maybe next week. Want instead to post pics of what I do it. Live in the present and honoring what I am doing. Experiencing the moment, not the next best thing. But the true best thing...this feeling now. I think they call it freedom. Plus, I'm excited for each and every one and what it means for my recovery....and 322 photos just too much to post ;)

Let Courage Abound

Kind of a second WIAW post....about a freedom food did today and the verses that got me through it. Thanks again Jenn for hosting.

Something about my bible study last night rang true for me today…well it did last night too, but even moreso today. So I did that big challenge and (as always) this morning despite bloat and my better knowledge…decided to weigh. BAD IDEA. Honestly don’t know why I make myself such a slave to something I don’t want to do, but that’s another post for another day.

Anyway…basically that event freaked me out and had me in a tailspin which my lovely friends saved me from (luckily the longer I am in recovery the easier I am to pull out of these tail spins and not change my intake). So I moved on with my day and had it nice and neatly planned. I would keep with the challenge for tonight of fro yo and would NOT do extra spin class tonight. I would fight through the temptation to let a wt flux rule my life. And that was all going good…till lunch.

I was ravenous and drew from starch box and got Sandwich Thins. These used to be a fear food, but aren’t anymore, and not for good reason. The reason they aren’t is because I have been counting them as 2 starches on the rare occasion I draw them, when in fact I know in my heart they are one. This is something that randomly hit me and I felt convicted of yesterday even though I didn’t have them. I told myself if wt stayed the same and all I would definitely fix that next. Well…here I sat today and wt spiked and I was faced with either making the change anyway….or sticking with the ED behavior. Torn between being ruled by guilt over weight or by guilt over letting ED rule over me.

This is where bible study came in. Yesterday was about how Christ called us to abundant life, but all throughout Scripture we see that not only good can abound, so can bad. But here is the great news. As Christians we were given the Spirit and we can choose what we let abound. And in letting something abound and grow more and more, there will always be something on the other end getting less and less. Yesterday the two scripture that hit me were these.

1 Samuel 18:29 "Saul became even more afraid of him, and he remained David’s enemy for the rest of his life."

Phillipians 1: 14 "And most of the brothers, having become confident in the Lord by my imprisonment, are much more bold to speak the word without fear."

You see both fear and courage can abound, and its up to me to choose which. If I listen to ED and let the wt control me today and don’t fix this behavior I am letting fear abound. Basically telling the Holy Spirit I want to have my abundance in ED and let fear take me over. Doesn’t sound very appealing wrapped up that way does it? I mean ED wraps it up nicely. Do this…keep counting as two starches...otherwise tomorrow your wt be really up and you will want to relapse so bad you can’t stand it and you will….you need to do this to save your recovery. That’s what ED says. But reality is by counting it wrong I am skimping and just letting ED have more of a foothold.

Now my other option is to choose to trust. To believe this is  flux from eating late. To try and trust and believe my body needs and deserves foods counted in right portions. To do what is right. And to tell the Spirit I choose to have my abundance in Christ and in hope. That I want courage to abound and by doing this not only will my courage increase more and more, but maybe, just maybe, my fear will get less and less. One can only hope.

So today I choose to let courage abound. For right now, right here….that is what I choose. And I choose to stay in the right here, right now. And tomorrow, I will have to choose again. Every meal, every second, every moment I will have to choose what I let abound. Goodness or badness. Spirit or ED. Courage or fear. Life of lies. Today…today I choose life. Oh...and with that...here is the pic of the food :) 

Big Recovery Step

So tonight I shared the fear food list with my parents and that was a HUGE deal for me. Letting people in and opening myself up to judgment based on the fact I now have over 300 fear foods…it was HUGE. ED told me they would be disgusted. Told me they would check me into treatment if they saw the list. And I almost let that keep me from sharing it with them. ALMOST. But….I ended up sucking it up and handing over the list.

Now…it wasn’t the best idea to do this at the same time as trying to cook dinner which was already running late, because they had a million questions and it all got overwhelming and delayed dinner even more. But hey…lesson learned. Still…they now know.

The other hard thing about this is now I have to face a certain number every week. We haven’t decided the number, but will have family meetings every Saturday starting this Sat where we choose them for the week. I am scared because now I can’t take it at my own rate or skip weeks or even choose them…my family is going to be a part. I know it’s a good thing, but it’s scary too.

So if I have time for What I Ate Wednesday tomorrow I am going to post some things I hope to soon face. And I will try and post every weekend which foods I am facing. I would love for this to be a recovery get together and other people can feel free to face a food and send me a pic or message and I can give you a shout out on my weekly post. Even if it’s anonymous. Or just cheer you on from my own heart, no post needed J

Well I love you all. Oh! I also am already facing a fear food tonight and maybe will post it tomorrow but wish me luck. And I dropped one session of strength this week which is huge deal too. I feel scared, but I am excited too. Love you all.